Yesterday I gave my notice at work. A lot of different factors and events happened that led to this decision — mainly the fact that we moved from LA to San Diego for my husband’s new job, we just had a baby, and on the deepest level, I don’t feel / have never felt called to do that work and we now have the means that I can not work for a while and remove myself from a line of work that’s not right for me.

I feel a lot of joy and gratefulness at this decision. Please know that. The past few weeks though there’s also been an underlying mental struggle as well with this choice. For one, I care a lot of what people think and there’s a lot of negative stigma and judgement about stay at home moms. Up until now I’ve always made choices on what I should be doing and other’s / society’s expectations of me and this feels like I’m deviating from what I should be doing. I find myself caring what people would think of me with no job.

And on top of that, I’ve become so used to having a job that I “had to go to” everyday, one that drained me physically and spiritually. It served as a crutch and an excuse to just run on auto-pilot, going through each day’s motions just to get through to the end of the day. And when I wasn’t at work I felt like I had to just recharge to be able to get through the next day at work. So it’s such a good thing and blessing that I can give up this crazy way of living, definitely. I never had the courage to make this change for myself and now it’s almost as if the universe has guided me and ushered me to this junction for this change to begin. Thank you, universe. At the same time, its scary to actually start living with intention, doing things from a place of purpose. What does that even look like for me? As crazy as it sounds, a small part of me, the part that’s scared, wants to run back to being on auto-pilot mode.

What I’ve realized though is underlying all these thoughts is FEAR and I need to just drop it. In life, there’s nothing to be fearful of. All our fears stem from certain notions and ideas implanted in our minds, including caring so much about what others think. And when we’re not conscious enough these fears are constantly projecting.

So for now and hopefully for always, I’m going to surrender. And when I think I’ve surrendered, I’m going to surrender some more. And also I’m going to focus on JOY. Joy is the antidote to fear. When you enjoy life, the fear disappears. I’m going to do what feels good, what makes me cheerful, and follow my joy. If I keep on this path, one day I will wake up and realize I’m new.