The awakening journey can be really scary. While I’ve been feeling like I’ve been growing a lot lately, feeling more grateful and present more and more often, feeling more connected to others and making decisions from my soul and intuition, I have to admit that a lot of times recently I feel a sharp sense of piercing fear straight into my heart. I feel wobbly inside… I feel unsure…it’s scary to say the least. It makes sense though, right? I’m letting go of all these ideas and structures I’ve held on to so closely for all my life. I’m realizing that the things that I had been chasing so hard all my life and that I had so closely associated with my self-worth and identity actually don’t make me feel fulfilled or happy at all. I’ve somehow missed this bigger picture this whole time and I haven’t been living in alignment with my spirit. So here I am now, at this juncture, and a lot of days, I revel in the beauty around me that I seem to be noticing for the first time. But other days it’s scary. On those days it feels like I’ve been left standing here, empty-handed, empty-hearted, like I’m walking on ground that’s falling out from underneath my feet.
I read this poem in a book I’ve been reading (The Awakened Family by Dr. Shefali Tsabary). The first few stanzas captures where I am right now in this stage. The back and forth. The fear. The state of disembodiment. By the way, I know it’s a parenting book, but it’s been a good read and though I don’t have kids yet and I would recommend it to anyone. Here’s the poem below. I hope maybe it resonates with someone else out there too. That’s also been a challenging part in all this — feeling like I’m going through this alone and not very many people seem to understand or would even begin to understand if I tried to explain. Thank you universe for dropping this beautiful poem into my life and thank you to the author.
Shedding Skin, Shedding Light
from The Awakened Family, by Dr. Shefali Tsabary
As my Band-Aids fall off and I shed my skin,
The work of awareness seems to become harder and harder.
As each ruse of distraction and denial gets exposed, layer by layer,
My wounds lie more open than ever, sore and fragile.
With fewer places to run and hide,
My fears face me, leaving me breathless,
Imagining I will be crushed beneath their force.
The mirror reflects back a stranger.
Neither the old, but not yet the new,
I hover in a state of disembodiment.
Watching the old patterns gather rust from disuse,
I lie naked waiting for the next disguise.
Like a pendulum, back and forth,
Consciousness plays peek-a-boo.
One day so clear, I am on the top of the mountain,
Only to fall in the vicious gutter the next.
I want to give up, claiming incompetence,
But then something starts to shift.
Silently at first, but then with a roar,
The stillness I have been waiting arrives.
Suddenly I am implanted on a new path,
The rusty old parts have dissolved into the earth.
Instead of looking forward, I look within,
And witness, for the first time perhaps, my self.
Beautiful, right? I am very grateful for my life experiences that have brought me to this stage. I know where I am now is where I am meant to be. I also pray everyday that I can continue to move forward on my journey to live from my heart and manifest fully in the way the universe intended.